You did shit to me and i still sympathize you

"Dah dia tak boleh tolerate orally kan, kenapa bagi minum air lagi?"

I can still hear those words in an angry tone of voice ringing in my ear. I was hurt, shamed, felt guilty and embarrassed all at the same instant moment.

And I just said,
"Lah, I tak tau pulak dia tak boleh tolerate orally", I turned sad.

"Kalau dah muntah banyak kali after everytime makan minum tu, tak boleh tolerate orally lah", still in the same tone.

I was really sad. At that time I didn't know that nil by mouth should be put to him as he couldn't tolerate orally. So I felt like the stupidest person on earth, and I shouldn't be around Scott anymore, cause I couldn't take care of him.

But now I realized, and I've learnt that, if at that time he could not tolerate orally and should be kept nil by mouth, then how do we treat dehydration? He was not in the ward or emergency, he was in his room! So just let him lie there on his bed, prolonging his dehydration? Why no intravenous dehydration was given to him as he could not tolerate orally, and was discharged with ORS just like that from the emergency?

So I thought, in my defense, the doctor who discharged him must believe that he could tolerate orally, that's why the doctor discharged him from the emergency with ORS without prior intravenous dehydration.

And that's why in his room, I tried to give him water to drink because he was very ill-looking. But he vomited after that. And that bitch was mad at me for doing that to Scott. Bajet Pandai.

And secondly, the thing that I am not able to forget, let go from my mind, is the time during we were in the same committee organizing Graduation Ceremony for medical graduating class of 2015. during post-mortem i can still remember of how embarrassed i felt. He said that my team sent out invitations late to the lecturers, and I didn't invite the Ketua-Ketua Unit that I should (I didn't invite because he was the one who said not to in the first place, I can fucking remember that, and we i defended myself about it during the post-mortem, he denied. How fucking mental is he?), and I said I didn't properly arrange the VIP seats on the stage. I swallowed all that at that time. But now I'm vomiting it all out, for my defense.

Firstly, since when typing, printing and sending out invitation letters become the task for Protocol Team? Isn't the task for the secretary? so the secretary, as i may recall, she did the paperwork and submit to the admins, and writing up report. I mean, seriously, she obviously got more merits than I do, so, she obviously needs to do more task than me. Paperwork and report only? Whatever.

Secondly, what's the use of AJK Pendaftaran if they just sat there at the registration counter, waiting for people or invitees to come and sign up their names on the day of event. And they got the same amount of merits as what my team got, but we did more work, and we got bashed some more during post mortem. Problem is, they just handled graduates, when they should handled the VIPs and the lecturers too, because they are indeed AJK Pendaftaran. Prior to event, none of them requested from me the list of lecturers and VIPs who responded Yes. They just expected me to bring me the list on the day of event, when exactly from the beginning, they are the ones who should do all the invitations and RSVP for the VIPs and lecturers too, not just the graduates.

We are the ones who needed to finalised the award giving run flow, and put it into MC text, when actually we just need to request from AJK Hadiah for the namelist because they were the ones who should do that. We are the ones who ended up, do the invitations, follow-up for RSVPs, welcoming and escorting the VIPs to appropriate room for waiting, when AJK Pendaftaran and Sambutan are the ones who should do that.

And we have our own works too, mind you. We need to arranged the seats of the VIPs on stage, the seats of graduates, lecturers, parents, invitees on the floor, basically plan the floor, and we did. We also need to ensure that the speech text has been written, repaired and approved by the Admin Public Relation Officer, and we did. We need to revise the run flow, and rehearse, and we did. Briefing the VIPs about the run flow, arranging them into entrance lines and formations. We need to keep the formation of graduates during award session flowing in the right manner. It may or may not seem a lot, but if every other team do their own job well, our burden will become less, and become equal to each other.

Sometimes I ask myself, Why does most of the pre-event task mostly included in our job scope? I can't digest that until now. Hey you, just because you're the protocol team leader during last event, and maybe you did all those task, doesn't mean that it has to be repeated again for this time. In my perspective, somehow you wanna show off that you did all the works last time and all the credits in the world for the success of last event ought to be given to you.

That time you became the president and i was in protocol team, succeeding you, I think you failed to delegate the tasks fairly towards every other teams. So, the way you bashed me and my team during the post-mortem like we were failures, I put it back all on you bitch. You are the cause of failure. you blamed it all badly on us while actually the event was not even a failure, it turned out there was little small problems, but from the feedback from attendees it was good though. So why the need to bash? I think you just wanna humiliate me for not doing what you did last time. Huhh, as if you're always excellent. Fuck you.

And now, I sympathize you, because you don't have money, JPA has been cut off from your funding. I sympathize when you and your pretty boyfriend got into troubles, the car accident, the ride back from debate in Penang, the time when your boyfriend got sick. I sympathize you, but dunno why i do that after all you did.

I'm hungry.

afraid of the future

i'm just gonna say this once and for all. maybe. once.

 today, or since these years back, we, people of 20 years old and above, have been busy asking the authorities, the government,

that we should be involved in big issues, national issues, as those decisions made from those problem solvers (the govt), will our future. so,

 IT'S OUR FUTURE, WE SHOULD DECIDE FOR IT!

But also right now, I'm imagining, 

what would it be if in the future, people of 15 years old start to think like this, 

and say, hey, it's our future too! we should involve! in the ministry! in the parliament! we don't care! we fight for our future, we fight for what is true!

i mean, we all are currently thinking like this right? i mean, we, people of twenties, do think like this right? so, what's really the difference with them children in those teen years?

are we already grown up enough? have we know about the world enough? have we study enough? politics? geography? history? economy? about other countries? diplomatic relations? land disputes? 

i'm thinking that somewhere, in some parts of this earth, live younger minds who knows things more than we do. so, how different are we from them? or maybe we should invite those teens into parliaments too? it's only fair right? age can't really be the subject of objection to the topic right?

time is moving, people are changing, so what do we do to our authorities! we tell them our opinion! in a manner, mature, professional ways possible. no hatred needed in the process tho right? no anger needed too right? i mean, we are saying our opinion right? may i repeat, opinion. opinion is not something that is cardinally right nor wrong isn't it? no one in this world, no one, knows whatever right or wrong. only Allah can be the judge! who knows the authorities' decisions would certainly be right? and, who knows our opinions would certainly be right? right? so i think there is no reason for us, young generation to be greedy, or angry or whatever to push the authorities to follow our voice.

when something good happen, you count it. when something bad happen, you learn from it!

again, no hatred to be spread, only love.

but for now, according to our situation, condition of the world today, i can say that

i love listening to The Vamps, and Lawson, and Ben Howard, and many more! 

Barack Obama's regret, on his speech in Kuala Lumpur today: things that I do that are not important.

So, other than listening to great music, let's do things that are important! for the future!

leaving you to your thoughts now, like to hear your opinions!
hello too, keyboard warriors!

Do Not Read

I just have to write this once and for all.

Other students representatives always have the time for higher issues be it national or international issues, caring for bigger others, the bottom billions. While me, I am always too busy with my study that I can't even monitor or sustain, my students complaints that their personal their very own problems are the first world problem that need to be solved. 

anyway, dear my own self, please realize this:

 Seperti yang dinyatakan dalam Subsekyen 48(10) Akta Universiti dan Kolej Universiti 1971 (Pindaan 2009) menyatakan tujuan dan fungsi MPP antaranya ialah:

Perkara (10) Tujuan dan fungsi MPP ialah untuk:

    1. Memupuk semangat hidup sebagai suatu perbadanan di kalangan pelajar Universiti;

   2.  Tertakluk kepada arahan Naib Canselor, menyusun dan menyelia kemudahan kebajikan pelajar di Universiti termasuk kemudahan rekreasi, aktiviti kerohanian dan keagamaan, dan pembekalan makanan dan minuman;

    3. Membuat rayuan kepada Naib Canselor mengenai segala perkara yang berhubungan dengan atau berkenaan dengan keadaan hidup dan kerja pelajar Universiti;

    4. Diwakili dalam mana-mana badan yang boleh, mengikut sesuatu Kaedah yang dibuat oleh Lembaga bagi maksud itu, dilantik untuk menjalankan aktiviti kebajikan pelajar di Universiti; dan

   5.  Menjalankan apa-apa aktiviti lain sebagaimana yang ditetapkan oleh Lembaga dari semasa ke semasa.

 And that's my job! I just have do it as stated in university's constitution. I respect it. So my dearest dear own self, please, note that, even tho that complaints are like that, you need to voice it, okay? yeah, liddat.

*me churning and digesting*

*burp*

Done!

Bye for now

xoxo

Note To God

Assalamualaikum and Hai!

I dunno what I want to write right now, but there's a lot of things going on in my head at this moment. I mean like a lot. Really a lot. maybe  should try to make a list down here.

1. My stomach is not in a good condition. So I guess that pretty sums everything up. 

No just kidding.

But I do having some discomfort around my stomach, maybe my abs are going harder and tougher. omagosh! I'm so gonna look tough! haha bshit. thats never gonna happen as long as I keep eating shit and not work out or exercise. Let me proceed anyway.

2. There's this one particular mpp who's been keeping me on my nerve since yesterday. I mean, though he didn't actually directing it on me, but I do feel the hate that he's spreading. And, see, now, in return, I'm spreading it to you guys by writing this. In my opinion, maybe this is the first time he handled a program. he couldn't take the downside of the program. I mean like seriously, keep on saying that he hates himself for letting himself do what others ask him, and then when the result is bad, he called that others as idiots. I don't think that's nice. that's all I wanna judge. I don't wanna judge too much because, first, I may have the tendency to do the same mistakes that he did. second, I don't like to judge too much as I am not perfect my self. third, I don't really wanna screw my chances on getting into heaven by the sin of talking behind others back. moving on.

3. I always have a list on what to do next, but i don't always refer to it. And I hate myself for that. I've little self discipline. I need to train more. 

4. I need to wake from my bed earlier every morning, bathe and go out of house so my head will operate normally. Like, I'm really depressed at night when I realised I haven't done much like I'm not productive at all that day.

5. I don't know if I should go home or go Redang this weekend. Maybe screw all the programs I planned on going here. maybe I should take some time off to my hometown or to Redang. you know, hometown sounds great but, being remembered about what happened previously, I'm a bit less motivated to go there. About Redang, I reaally wanna go there but, I know theres a chance that my dad won't allow me. I don't wanna "pujuk" too much, firstly because when he said no, I should obey. And secondly, I have the experience before this. I "pujuk" my dad to much to allow me to come to USM Kelantan and the result was that I suffered my first year here. maybe second year too. 

6. I keep worrying that the students are shy or scared or whatever to keep them from contacting or interacting with us mpp. I don't really like it because you know, sometimes people expect much of mpp, but they only know that, you know, as mpp, we should do this, and that, but in fact in real life, they don't tell us what we should do or tell us those suggestions of theirs. they just keep talking to each other like they expect us to have ears everywhere. so i couldnt really assess their mind all the time. the truth is, this feeling came to me, some times before, when one of my close friends said, ".... Shah, diorang kata tahun ni mpp macam x buat kerja je....". I was. speechless. amazed. depressed. i was clueless. numb. like i don't know. i'm not sure of anything. maybe it's their ignorance of what we did, or maybe it's my ignorance of them. I don't know. maybe we are too quiet by only making sounds thru facebook spread. maybe we should just screw Sustainability, screw paper usage, print everything on papers and give them to each students doors. i don't know. or or maybe we should go to jpa and push the Pengarah by knife so that he will give us the money early and not late even a day because students are dying because theres no other source to get money like our Students Affair Division and Islamic Centre 'dont' allow us to borrow money like lecturers and Academic Advisors and Mentors are too evil to lend us money and we are too high of our status to ask people to lend us money like we cannot live in hardness of life not even for a second or we'll die. yah maybe like that.

7. I hate it when I get the feelings or I get to know that students don't know about anything happening in the campus when we tell them things through facebook. and they have facebook too like they don't even have the effort to open up a page of usm or mpp or whatever sources. like they expect things or information HAVE to be at their doorstep every morning or if they don't know about it they blame the authorities. yeah. I hate when that happens and I hate when that feelings come to me.

8. And I hate that I spread too much hatred on this page, my own lovely sweetness of life page.

9. Maybe I should write the name of this blog as, "Some Parts of My Letter To God" since the one that I should be complaining or praising to is to Allah and not to other people. As people of this earth are no higher than any other. we are all equal. Except Our Prophet PBUH (Oh how I hope he's here and teach us more and make this world a lovely place).

Dear Allah, forgive me for I have sinned so much upon your Earth. Guide me, bless me, keep my heart open to the the love and good side of everything Oh Allah. 

That's all my heart can scream for now.

Bye :)

Assalamualaikum, Good Night.

Time

Assalamualaikum! Good Day! Hai Hai! Mahallo! Hey Hey!

This is my first post after I was chosen to be an MPP USM Kampus Kesihatan (which stands for Majlis Perwakilan Pelajar - Students Representative Council of Universiti Sains Malaysia, Health Campus). 

So, let's say hello to the new Me! Hello!

hehe

Just kidding, I'm still who I am. Maybe changed a bit, more philosophical, more idealist, but deep down, I think I'm still me. I don't know if I still can write things the way I wrote before. I've been meaning to write/blog since a long time ago. But, because of time constraint, I've to put aside that wish and hold it a lil' bit longer. Up until now! So now I'm writing again! Let's just wish I will persevere this writing activity. hehehe.

There's a lot I wish to write since I became one of the member of the representative council because there has been a lot happening in my everyday life since I joined this. But trust me, I'm writing all about them, not to brag, or be proud because I joined it, but purely because I feel like sharing the thoughts with someone, some people, or some readers.

So if you tried or gonna try to refer to my previous posts, to look about me becoming the MPP, you won't manage to find it. hehe. like I said, this is the first post since I became one. On October 24th, 2013, I was confirmed to be in the team (MPP) as the seat that I was running for has no competition. So I Alhamdulillah, Allah helped me surpassed all the election dramas and everything. hehe. Btw, by me saying this, I have no intention on saying that I really want to join MPP. It was not actually like that in the first place. My friend talked me into running in the election - I said no - he /they were being persistent - I reconsider - suddenly few things hit into my head - I rationalize - I ask opinions - some were supportive, some were not so - finally I said yes - so I sent in the forms and stuffs - announced Walkover because no competition for the seat I was running for. So Alhamdulillah. So at first before I sent the forms of candidates, I had no idea I was going to win as previously I kept on thinking that I just wan to feel or have the experience of campus elections and stuffs, you know. Not to sound / act humble or anything. But that was what I have in mind, but of course I had other things/preps in mind in case I win it. Basically they are of the reasons why I agreed to join MPP in the first place. 

Sort of my 'aspiracion' - 

quote that word from a movie I watched this evening, GOAL. You know what, just to share a bit of what I felt after finished watching. I felt like, does the director/producer/whoever, when they made the movie, knew that the movie they are making, is going to inspire thousands of people? I mean like, seriously, not to get too excited or anything but for the movie IS INSPIRING! (maybe because I almost cried at the end?) 

hehehe

Anyway, back to the aspiracion that I was talking about. 

What I have in mind earlier, before I was confirmed of my seat in the MPP, I always knew that, if I become one, I will make things happen for the community. From the students, the campus, to the community. When I was in my second year, sort of sophomore year, I joined a lot of organizations, activities, most of them involving non-USM-students to be the target group kind of activities. So I fell in love with those kind of activities. Since then, I was inspired to be more useful to others with what I have. I have a platform to initiate programs, I have or may have the financial supports from various sources, which I learned from my involvements in activities. So, I think what Allah has given me/us, in front of our eyes, are a lot. So why waste it while I/we have the chance, right? so that was what I was thinking back then. My aspiracion.

One of them.

And I don't know where it came from, but during that year also I learnt more stuffs about "Erti Hidup Pada Memberi". I got that quote from Ilman, a very nice friend of mine. It's like my existence on this world is not for me, is not about me, and many more philosophical phrases that you can think of. (I decided not to write everything since I'm afraid that I'll puke on my on blog later when read my own blog again in the far future and laugh at myself or just smile and say, I was here, I lived, I loved, I did and I've done! ew again hehe)

 But now, I know, that when you are an MPP, you have to think more about inside campus stuffs, than to take care more about others outside campus stuffs. But I always believe, that, I am a representative of smart, educated, mature, professional students, university students. We help others. We don't really mind about our minor problems, much, as we mind about the unfortunates and the future generations out there. I mean, we are already here, in a university, what higher or greater learning institutions than a university that we want more?

But sadly, I was lost from this aspiracion in the early phase (few months) of me being the chairman of campus MPP. I got side-tracked, life honestly, as I was panicked, so busy re-organizing and re-managing my life, with this and that, never imagined that I'd be the chairman. Having everyday waking up to the students life problem, like why is this like this, why is that like that, hey, can you tell the person in charge to clean my socks tomorrow? No, just kidding, the socks part i mean. hehe. 

Wait, why do I sound like I don't like my responsibilities. Why do I sound like I'm releasing my tension? Am I tensed?

No, I don't think so. I love my job. What I was trynna say is that, sometimes, I feel like I am or We are pampering our students. I mean, I am representing university students right? don't worry, sometimes, not most of the times. But whatever it is, I believe we university students can think, act and respond rationally to our environment right? (Ew sound so politics, speaking like a politician, ew ew gag gag) hehe. Omg I just made a statement, now I'm afraid that students won't see me anymore. 

"Be wary not dear people, as you see me and tell me something, I will always be here to respond and help you, not to pamper you", covering up. hehehe.

Now, I'm a bit relaxed. A bit. I arranged few principles that I will hold as long as I'm in this post. Like what? Hurmm, maybe not now. But trust me, if anyone in the campus doesn't like me or they way I work, I just wish to Allah that they can tell me upfront so I can correct myself. And I'm more opened to comments and criticism more than I do before this. hehe. I dunno why this change happened. but maybe it is one of the thing that you learnt being a representative.

Fewhh, just finished proofreading, and right now i just wanna puke, as at some part I sounded as if like I'm a philosopher, as if like I go to philosophical studies. haha. and maybe at some point above I was like asking for sympathy like I'm gonna cry right now. No. I'm not gonna. Just honestly sharing my flow of feelings :) I feel like my feelings are fluctuating every minutes, psychological you think?

So, when I was in my freshman, my sophomore, I never knew or had any idea what MPP is all about, what they do and did for the campus or us the students, I felt like "What are the things that they have made for us". So becoming one now, I started to know a lot of things. Being able to see and feel from the inside my self. able to experience being in their shoes. Now I know. 

hehehe. Karma (my religion - Allah) always has a way to show me / hit me back! liddat! hahaha.

Good Night. I leave you to your thoughts now.

xoxo

bye :)

Of Sound And Music

More or less the topic is about what you see and what you dont.
This is my first time blogging since I've started to post in MPP. So many things have happened in my life since the pelantikan. So many feelings mixture I've been true. And please be reminded that by that I do not mean to be proud or brag about it. Oh I just negatively overthink about my readers didn'nt I?
Anyway, I've received some motivations from my friends lately. One from Nina, one from Suffia, one from Abg and one from my predecessor (haha) former MPP Chai. There are all concern about me and I love them more because of that.
The other day I had a talk with Chai and one of the things that I can remember from the conversation is that I have to write down everything that I experienced or felt or whatever straight away after interesting things happened. So now, people, let me warn you that I will blog everything. Haha.
And the other thing that I remember is that now is a good practice for me to be a good leader. Consider whatever happens at this period to be my exercise and test to a better future. Tho not exactly like that what he said, but thats how I perceived it. Not bad for a motivation right?
And Nina reminded me to let no people bring me down. I will. I will stay put Nina. I don't even know how did she knew that I'm quite down at that time. Suddenly one day she texted me a motivational quote and I was touched. Thank you Nina :) yeah, to think about it, just recently some people did let me down. How come can you tell me that I didn't propose any follow up when my resources to do that is the meeting minute, the one you should provide? But right now I refuse to elaborate more on that particular story. One because I have more stories actually that I can write down about people downing me so it will consume my time. Two because if write them down, there is a probability that I'll feel down. So I stop here for that now.
And Suffia has always been a good girl. She understands me tho sometimes, many times i forgot to text her. Thank you so much :')
And Abg is this one person where actually you can count to comfort you. He lives far from me au currant. I'm sure if he'a here I'll make his life a mess. Haha. With my complaints and silly things I always worry about. How I wish you are/were (grammar) here.

That's all for now. I love you all. Bye ;)

Be prepared!

Hello hi assalamualaikum. So these last few days i have been in a certain stupid dilemma about being in a post. People said that this post is an important post in a campus. Some people try to support me but not for the other some. Now i dont know which one is the truth. In fact nobody knows the truth because the truth is a future which we dont know yet until it happens. Of course we can predict things but who knows our prediction might or might not come true. My academic will be at risk. My job and my students welfare cant be done well as i have to focus on my study. So it will burden others. All the comments circulate around these 3 points. Although i have rebuttals for all of these 3 points but still i cannot say them out loud because like i said they may or may not come true. Who knows except Allah. So now, im praying to you Allah. That you shed me your light in my heart towards the path that i've decided to go on. And let there be success and only success in the future for me, my friends and my campus O Allah.

I used to be fat

Not literally fat. Now I'm sitting outside library, hanging around, waiting for my friend for lunch. And suddenly remembered my childhood years, when I was very very little.
I don't know why I used to cry everyday when my dad was about to leave our house for work. I used to cry badly, loudly and maybe annoyingly (my mum must really hated my cries at that time) each and every time he goes out to work. Maybe it's because that my dad workplace was so far away in Pahang and he usually took 2-3 days as the nature of his job as a teamwork consultant consumes days of camp training.
Before our family moved to our new house in the 'countryside', I used to have a neighbour, of an uncle, aunty, a daughter and a very little son. Now, the same thing happened to me when I was at that age, I saw it in front of my own eyes. The little boy cries everytime his father goes out probably for work. So I thought, maybe this thing happens to many other children in this world, maybe from other parts of the world, other continents etc.
This occurrence made me think, why do children cry when their father, or probably, mother too, leave them? And why don't we, or the children continue to cry even as they grow up?
Now that is certainly something to think about. But we all know that the baseline or the bottom rock of the thoughts or the arguments will circle about loving our family :D
XoXo
P/s: I'll be happy to read back your thoughts <3

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

They Don't Like My Jeans, They Don't Get My Hair!

Hye everyone! I mean, anyone!

I always would like to post song lyrics just to tell you how I'm feeling at the moment. I am going to share with you what happened to me last year (first year undergraduate).

"I just made some stupid actions in front of the whole lecture. malunya!!!! only God knows how I feel now. Here's what happened. I arrived late to lecture this morning, which is a very usual thing for me everyday, and so I sat in the back row. After a few minutes Dr Asma came into the lecture hall thru the back door and sat next to me. Dr Masa's voice was so slow and soft at that time and suddenly Dr Asma asked me to turn up the volume of the speaker. Mind you that the volume control is located exactly in front of the talking lecture, in front of the whole class. So as to obey my teacher(lecturer), I walked down the stairs towards the controller. I can hear my footsteps as I descend the stairs after I realized that all eyes in the hall were rested on me. I mean, seriously, SHOE, can you produce louder sound effect? I hate you shoe! So I tried to walk down the stairs more discreet and quietly and that involved me walking retardly down like someone who lost a toenail walking on fire! I was like, why am I walking like this? Can you imagine, me walking down the stairs from the back row, retardly, to the front?! It took me like 2 minutes I think to reach the controller! 2 minutes of retard walking! Duhh I laughed at myself for my greatest self-humiliation act ever! 

I mean, it's my first year! I am supposed to make friends and now I think no one wants to befriend with an awkward weirdo like me. Huh, anyway, so I walked towards the speaker volume control which is nearby Dr masa, who was giving lecture at that time, I smiled at him a little and tried to whisper "Dr Asma asked me to turn up the volume" while he was delivering. I turned up the volume but it is already at its highest! So I just pretended to turn it up so that other people would know my intention. As I turned back I realized everybody was laughing! In a not-so-discreet manner kind of laugh and I was so blur at first about what they were laughing about. So i climbed up the high, long stairs back to my seat and on the way climbing, I realized that I just did something stupid. I did turn up the volume of the speaker but actually the lecturer's voice was the faulty! I was like a moron freak who don't know how to tell the lecturer to speak louder so that people can hear him from the back. I just turned up the volume like I was trying to be sarcastic. As if I was trying to make a joke. Silly me, how can stupid can you be at such time! Uhh! Now the Dr must really hate me for insulting him and at that moment I knew I have a potential to fail anatomy. Anyway, I can still hear people's small laughs so I tried to control my urge to LOL and gave them the I'm-not-guilty awkward smile. Another weird act of the day by me! Great! My future seemed 'brighter'. Stupid humiliating actions that I won't do again. God help me thru this.."

This is quite the thing that I wrote in my diary last year. More or less.

But the thing is, people may interpret things that you do, they may say something, compliment or critic, but only you and your God knows your pure intention. I mean, I didn't mean to insult anyone, but people laughed as if I was insulting. Or maybe they laughed by the way I retard-walk! Anyway, critics are everywhere, watching you dress, gossiping your life story, but only you should decide who you are. Take or not take the critics because there are thin lines separating critics from advice. Just something to think about. Have a beautiful life! 

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.

One Week Holiday!

ola everyone reading :)

my first day of my holiday had just ended. sadly nothing remarkable happened. except that i rode on bike for the first time to Friday prayer. i am so going to be and live like a true villager! it's not that hard actually to ride a bike. i mean, automatic transmissions only. and it'll be more of a help if the bike size is adequate or smaller than you. you'll find it easy to go here and there, run errands in just a few minutes etc. however, tonight i can't sleep, i don't even know why is it so hard for me to fall asleep tonight. anyway, none of that matters to you, or to be told.

so my friend Jaja and Atip asked me out tomorrow, Mid Valley Megamall. Again. i know, it's kinda boring, but there are not much choices since i don't think they are the kind of people who hang out at not-shopping-mall type. so, i guess i'll just join. and karaoke. i mean like, is there any place in that mall where we can karaoke for less than rm20/hour??? of course no. so i don't think it's a good idea for me to go karaoke. i mean, hello, people like me, who lives in an only-god-knows-who-can-afford-that apartment, i have to save up wherever or whenever i can. maybe i could tell them tomorrow morning that i'll be late because of the traffic and show up after they have finished singing, i mean, karaoke-ing. i know, for some it might be easier to just don't go hangout. but i need to hangout. my holiday is up for a week only before i have to go back to college and suffer for another 5 months. so the plan is actually to seize the holiday by doing something meaningful or beautiful or something that i can reminisce about back in college later. i don't know how much will i spend tomorrow, hopefully i can manage well and hopefully financial assistant will be given (even to those who are not qualified = me = my scholar just got in last week).

so, that's for tomorrow. on Monday, my friend Dudd are coming over to KL from kelantan to spend some days here. He's planning to stay at Ilman's or maybe at Izzul's but i said to him if he don't have anywhere else to stay he is welcomed at my place. i mean, i know that my house is not that beautiful or spacious or gallant or whatever but for me it's perfect. hehe. lifting own's basket (as the malay saying goes: angkat bakul). so on Monday, we, me, Izzul, Ilman, Dudd, and may be some others will go out somewhere in the city to celebrate Ilman's Birthday! Yeay! On Tuesday, we'll go ice skating in Sunway Pyramid. hopefully everything turns out as we've planned! cross fingers! i mean, not really cross fingers, Islam never taught me to cross any fingers hehe. 

Theory Trial Session

i just finished reading a very lovely blog and suddenly the hormones kick in. the love hormone and the i-have-to-write-something hormone. nothing much that i can really relate my life with that blog's author except that she has something i always dream of. that's all.

i am now having a great time; tomorrow i am going to sit for my second paper, yesterday was the first paper, and papers for the next two following days. i know. i still write anyway. i should be sleeping right now. maybe after this. currently downloading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower to be watched before i go to exam tomorrow. yeah, that's what Einstein did before he came up with a theory or something. no kidding. i am so lazy to take the exam, sit for the papers, all i know was to end it and be back home on thursday. that's all. but sometimes the reality or awareness kicks in. i start to think what my final result would be if i continue to not read books or anything to prepare for those papers. and also what would my facial expression be when i received my results. i just sit here, i mean, lie down in my bed all day and night for the past few days prior to my exam commencement. and dined out at secret recipes, kfc, kopitiam.. something a normal student would not do few days before exams. 

alright, truth be told, i am testing it. i am testing my theory. the theory: what would it be if (1) i don't study anything for the whole two weeks before exam (2) i don't study during nights of exam (3) i watch movies and ease my stress during the exam week.

HAHA

yup, i think we all can pretty much guess the outcome. failure. of course i knew it.

this laziness syndrome started pretty much like this. i went back home from kelantan to banting for 4 days, 3 weeks prior to exam. i enjoyed everything i have there. and then i got back here in kelantan for 14 days of study week which previously i had planned to be full of studying and books and revisions before the exam. i lasted a few days here (i was having some strange stress that i think i have never experienced before) and 12 days prior to exam i went back to my hometown. again i enjoyed, amused, treated myself going to singapore, hanging out, watching movies and all the good stuffs imaginable. 5 days prior to exam (still in hometown, banting) i started to think about my exam. so i started to read on things in books that i brought home and some notes. and mind you i was very very minimal amount of reading. and 2 days prior to exam i got back here in kelantan to sit for my exam. now i am dumb.

~

i feel like not living the life i need to live but instead i am living the life i want to live. of course i don't always dream of being a doctor, i always dream of being a teacher. i don't know why either. anyway i don't think and understand that now is not the time to change the direction of my life. i mean this is what life is right? sometimes we get what we dreamed of, some other times we don't. i think life is something to be embraced not to be ran away from. so, let us all see what life might comes to me after this. and what my results be when miracles (kiramah, istidraj etc) hits me. haha. and still don't forget to always wish for the best of us. amin :)

love xoxo

I Am Dramatic

alright, here is the thing. 

3 days ago my group leader divided some assignment as part of our exam's preparation. most of the questions are about obstructive and restrictive lung diseases such as the pathophysiology of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease or complications of pneumoconiosis and many more. he asked us to pick our own question that we want to settle. so, this is what he posted on our fb group PBL 8 2012/2013 and he asked us if we have chosen our question, let him know by commenting on the post.

assignment

a)pathogenesis, pathology of COPD-puvan
b)pathophysio of COPD-1 person
c)investigation for COPD-yati
d)Principle of management of COPD(drug moa,dist,excret,side effect)-2 person
e)causes/type of respi failure-2 person
f)rationale,complication,precaution of oxy therapy-elleanur
g)factor,pathogenesis,pathology of pneumoconiosis-1 person
h)pathophysio,complication,management pneumoconiosis-1 person
i)obtain relevant history from copd patient-wong
j)relevant pe to elicit physical sign for above disorder-1 person
k)significance of blood gas analysis and lung function test-1 person

 you can see at the end of each question, there are some of my members' names, indicating that the question has been picked earlier. so i chose the one that has not been picked, question H. i commented below the post telling that i'm taking question H. so I started to look out for the answer, started reading for my own comprehension, started copy-pasting things from the internet into microsoft word. mind you, there are five major disease under pneumoconiosis. it is a lot! and then, few hours later, I finished it. before I submit my assignment, suddenly I saw someone else has submitted the assignment, about my topic! i was so furios at that time! can you imagine? that someone didn't comment on that post mentioning that he/she want to take that question and furthermore his/her name is not up there at the end of any question! I remained calm at first but after that i realised my body was aching all over for sitting to long on a goddamn hard chair. i was tired and exhausted. so i said, eff it!

 i was so mad. in fact, i am still mad because that someone took my question. i mean, hello, is he/she blind?! can he/she see that i've already picked the question?? eff it. i don't want to do anything now. i am not going to pick any other question because i am emotional, just like a kid, or just like a girl. this is madness. i'm just going to sit around. my group leader hasn't said anything about this yet, i don't know if he is blind too or he just haven't realised the problem. 

okay, not true, some part of me tell me that i should be kind, be an angel, take another question and start working on it so i can help the group. but some part of me tell me that i should just screw the thing, do nothing about it and just watch movies. 

guess which one i took?

:D xoxo :D

That I'm Thankful For The Blessing

Alright.

The problem has been going on for years. When I first arrived here, I was told by some assh* that the water come from a supplier. And we were also told that the even outside campus the rest of Kelantan receive the water supply, as rusty as ours. So last year I keep cursing this particular company and I wish that the people of this state will soon be blessed with cleaner water. Later that year, I was told and I saw with my own eyes that most of the places I went, such as my friend's house in a village nearby, and a school in Pengkalan Chepa, another school in Tumpat, they have clean water!

I mean, how come do they have such water, while we don't. A school, a secondary school in Tumpat to be exact, can have clean water supply. 

Early this year, students of this campus were told by the supplier that the water they supply are in good condition i.e. clean. In addition to that, the students high council said that the rusty water that students have these days is caused by the campus underground pipes itself are not maintained! Exactly for how many years it has not been maintained would be a good question to be sent to Jabatan Pembangunan. I think you can guess yourself if you see the color of the water. (Please don't mention the "TEA" word, it would be an offense to some!)

Anyway, earlier this year, the student high council also announced that the Jabatan is on its progress to solve the problem. They said "masih dalam perbincangan kerana kerja penukaran paip memerlukan kos dan waktu yang sesuai". In addition to that, they also said that "tahap kebersihan air adalah masih di tahap selamat". I mean, on what basis do they define "selamat", actually? By the way, who did announce that? Is the Jabatan qualified enough to testify so? Do they have the labs, even?

How much money do students have to spent on laundry shops because there is no water filter inside campus/hostel? How much time do students have to spent on doing multiple laundries? Because even if they wash their clothes in hostel, rust stained shirts have to be washed again, and maybe again. More, how much money do students have to spent on buying mineral water everyday from shops for daily needs? Water coolers in hostels are poorly maintained, rust is still present in the water, even if they boil the water, can it remove or somehow change the rust into water molecules?  Anyway, how long can students rely on outside resources? How much extra money do students get from their scholarships to compensate these problems?
How much rust can students bear into their mouth, decaying their tooth, further into the gut? Dear only God knows what happen in there. Let's just not pray the worse.

The problem started since a long time ago. Do students have someone that can hear their problems, and not just hear, but try to help fixing the problem? Oh there are actually. But only on the hearing part, not someone for the latter.

Our voices were heard, but that is it, only heard. 

So, let us speak to where our voice will be heard and be answered.

Dear Allah, we give you our hearts and souls for we are forever you servant. Lead us to be in those who Belief, guide us through good time and hard time. 

Ya Allah, help us make it through this hardship, 

help those who are working days and nights to solve our water problem, Ya Allah. 

Bless us with pure water, pour on us clean water Ya Allah.

We seek for Your forgiveness upon our sins Ya Allah. Forgive us Ya Allah. Forgive us Your Servant Ya Allah.

And Salam to Muhammad our beloved Prophet, Your Messenger, and his dearest family and friends.

Busy with Allah and Life.

Well, we all do believe that reality sucks, if not all the time maybe sometime, just sometime. And so we keep telling ourselves or keep ourselves busy just to make sure that the reality won't kick in. Life is uncertain, unexpected and that is what life is. Reality is just a part of life where the other part is imagination. At times when reality tries to invade and dictate life, man will try to put imagination in charge. however, we do not own our own body, it is just a game of mind and they control everything.

What is given to me is a life, a straight-forwarded life, a guided life lead by God (Allah) and Prophet (Muhammad) and the environment.

I always keep thinking that my life was all set-up by my father or my mother, set me up on this path which I don't even know at first. But they did guide me I think. But as i said, life is what life is. 

Though guidance was given to you all the way until you realize where you are, then those are the reality. So at that point where you stand, when reality kicks in hard and two consequences might come to your mind; reality sucks, reality is acceptable. A soul near by God (Allah) would have the latter most in their mind but a soul vice versa would have the former. So i guess we all know where I stand now, are not we?

Reality: I am now studying, or sadly I would prefer to use the word 'struggling', in this field which I haven't fully fall in love with, well perhaps yet.

Imagination: I am studying happily in the field that I have fallen in love with, without breaking sweats.

Reality: I am now living, or would prefer to use the term suffering, in Kelantan, 513 kilometers away from home.

Imagination: I am living in Kuala Lumpur, 57 kilometers away from home.

Reality: I decided to come here along with my heart wish, against my parents will against my guidance.

Imagination: I decided to stay there against my heart wish, along with my parents will along with my guidance.

Reality: I don't really have much friends. I am a wallflower.

Imagination: I have friends, true friends and I am so happy living that I don't want to die.

Reality: I cannot turn back the time.

Imagination: I can start over again.

You see, at this point I have so many arguments but I am least aware about the meaning of life given by God (Allah). Yet again, life is unpredictable. I am not so sure of my future in this path yet I contemplate everything. At time such this all I need to find is God (Allah). May I found Him and let He guide me through not just at this time but until eternity.

Kenang Ku Dalam Doa Mu

Wa Qala Rabbukum Ud'uni Astajib Lakum

Dan telah berkata Tuhan Kamu, Berdoalah Kepada Ku, Nescaya akan Aku kabulkan.

Ya Allah, dengarlah rayuan hambaMu ini. Wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Penyayang lagi Maha Mengasihani.

Ya Allah, 

Izinkanlah aku menerima anugerah mu Ya Allah. Kurniakan lah aku anugerahMu Ya Allah. Hadiahkan lah aku rahmatMu Ya Allah. Hamba yang kerdil dan berdosa ini memohon anugerahMu Ya Allah. Anugerah air yang bersih Ya Allah. Air yang jernih Ya Allah. Air yang tiada karat dan besi di dalamnya Ya Allah. Jauhkan lah pula air Mu itu daripada segala kuman dan makhluk Mu yang memudaratkan kepada sekalian manusia Ya Allah. Jikalau anugerah Mu itu ada jauh dariku, maka Kau dekatkanlah Ya Allah. Dan Jikalau anugerah Mu itu hampir denganku, maka Kau sampaikanlah Ya Allah. 

Tuhan Ku Yang Maha Pengampun dan Maha Pemurah,

Aku mohon kepada Mu segala kekuatan untuk mengharungi dugaan Mu ini Ya Allah. Hanyalah kepadaMu aku menyembah, dan hanyalah kepadaMu aku mohon Pertolongan, Ya Allah.

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Dengan Menyebut Nama Mu Ya Allah Yang Maha Pengasih, Penyayang

Segala Puji Bagi Mu Ya Allah Pemelihara Seluruh Alam Raya

Engkaulah Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang

Yang Menguasai Hari Pembalasan

Hanyalah Kepada Mu Kami Menyembah Dan Pada Mu Kami Mohon Pertolongan

Tunjukkanlah Kami Ke Jalan Yang Lurus

Jalan Orang-Orang Yang Engkau Beri Nikmat Bukan Jalan Mereka Yang Kau Murkai

Dan Bukan Pula Jalan Mereka Yang Sesat

Everywhere I Am, There You'll Be

whenever i feel like writing, i write.

and please, don't be a grammar nazi. it's killing me.

can i consider myself as crazy unstable dramatic person. i watch too many movies and get hung over the movies, feeling and imagining that somehow my  life could be like it. i always wish my life to get better. particularly on the part where i always feel lonely. so that loneliness is what drives me to think irrationally, i think. i don't know if there's any other thing that makes me crazy. i feel good when i watch movies, dramas etc but i always feel uncomfortable around people. awkwardness here and there. i cannot be myself at times. and become a total retard on that account. so for that, then, i always wish for a company. a loyal loving company. whom i will not judge by the look, just enough by the heart and neither the company will. 

i do have friends, you see. but then, sometimes even with friends, i can feel awkwardness creeping inside my mind retarding the way i communicate. it would be so unnatural. so not me. 

for some, they may say, "you know, if you don't find people, find God". i agree with that.

and i tried and still trying, you know, to be a better person, who always remember God and remember the day that i will die. but i don't know now, at some point, i just need support from a living person to teach me the way to God. i just need to feel more affection i may say. sorry if i speak out of term here. alright, just a short note from me this time. quite busy nowadays. wishing that God will protect that someone and guide us to the place called Jannah. 

Pray for Gaza, and Aizat, both at war fighting for their future.

Teacher That Never Touches A Heart

Assalamualaikum 

i have never been touched like this before,

i mean, not in this way,

alright, before this, 

i never understands what my students were doing back home;

when they didn't finish their homework,

when they can't answer my question;

when they can't pass the exam.

 i expressed that wonder to them.

all i know was that they are underprivileged,

born with no silver spoon,

living hardly everyday,

that their parents are working hard everyday to find them money to go to school,

that maybe their parents had no time to look after the children's study,

and i always tell them to study for the sake of their future,

i told them when they got home,

they got to do revisions on subjects,

i told them that don't need any distraction at school as their main purpose is to study.

study diligently so that their future can be guaranteed;

as their parents had no money sufficient enough to send them to private universities,

they need to ensure themselves that their future are bright enough for them to continue life.

but the most actual fact that i never had the chance to know before this was,

that their life are not as easy as i thought.

if before this, i only know that at home, they need not to think about anything else accept studying,

i was wrong!

they need to think about their study AND their family's survival! 

they have to think ways to help their parents out,

they have to ease the burden of their parents,

so they work!

they do any jobs available for them.

anything that can keep their rice cooker filled in.

and this thing happens right in front of my eyes

i met three of my students at bazaar this evening 

and they are selling drinks!
no that's not their stall, a pakcik owns it.

i was shocked to see them but i just remained cool in front of them

and bought 'air chrysanthemum' from their stall while my heart 

was pounding and screaming and crying hard!

 back in the car i almost fell into tears.

no i am not being dramatic.

now i understand

now i am touched

now i realize.

they are not the same like me.

i grew up in a boarding school, i live in hostel and i don't have to think

about anything else except study.

they grew up in a daily school, and they see their parents' hardship everyday

and they need to think about many other things besides study.

they are many other differences that exist between 

my life back then and their life now.

at first i never understand them.

i never tried to understand them.

now i am saying my apologies to them

for so many reasons.

God bless you, me and my students.

A Different Side of Me

assalamualaikum :)

bulan puasa bulan baik.

so i pun nk jadi org baik.

god bless us.

mlm semalam i termimpi benda yg tak berapa baik.

tapi x baik kalau kite fikir sgt pasal mimpi kn?

tapi, yg lg pelik mimpi tu dtg dlm bulan x de shitan.

anyway,

smlm jugak ad berita gembira 

my friend texted me:

"I**y S***k tanye pasal youuuu!"

and i was like so happy!

i jumped here and there! 

okay, no more details, bahaye.

so tonight i having a dilemma.

dilemma choosing between anatomy or physiology.

sounds mcm budak poyo sgt kn?

tp nk bwt mcm mne.

i'm going into a med school this september 

and i dont want to be like the dumbest there.

furthermore, i have nothing else to do,

hang out? i'm broke.

work? too late now.

so ddk kat rumah boring 

better for me to open those notes

i received from usm seniors.

last one,

pegi surau best sbb di samping beribadah,

boleh cuci mata!

org kate

"kalau nk carik jodoh carik kat masjid"

and i'm happy to do that :)

Reminiscence

hyeee :)

just got back from tarawih.

one thing that i remembered time tunggu masuk waktu isyak tadi,

ternampak lah budak-budak kecil lari ke sana ke mari.

maka teringatlah waktu adik-adik dulu, bermain dengan riang,

kesana ke mari berlari-lari tanpa mengisahkan ape org-org lain kata, sebab budak kecil kan?

sape kisah. best nye feeling rase budak kecil.

sekarang rase nak semua benda dgn bebas tapi dah x boleh dah,

kene fikir nanti ape pulak org laen kate. 

"dah besar-besar pun buat bende mcm budak-budak"

"ee, berape umur die? x sedar diri betul"

so basically, all those time dah lepas dah. x boleh ulang balik.

i have to get over it. huhh

Best of films

Hello there boys n girls!

so recently i had been watching a few movies just to get me fall asleep, 

but truth is i couldn't! the movies i picked are awesomeee!

 

alright, so the first one is:

okay, i admit that i just watched the full movie yesterday eventho this movie was released in 2001. i know, it's lame right? but thank God finally i watched it, or else i'll die without knowing that this movie is STUPENDOUS! for the record, i almost cry because the storyline of this movie is different and touching and moving and beautiful! i'll love this movie, like, forever :D

a lovely, beautiful, romantic, well-synchronized movie about a girl who were going to her sister's wedding, bringing a hired-man to be her date at the wedding, just to make her ex-boyfriend be jealous of her, of how she continued her life. it turned out that the gentleman she hired was falling into her! oh my! i am so in love with this story!!! i mean, that girl was so stupid and that guy is so gentle and that they made a perfect love story! <3  

 T I T A N I C , T H E  G R E A T E S T

 this one has y favourite since a long time ago and

B E S T :

 

this one has been my favourite since a long time ago and will always be! Queen Anne will always be my idol! jk! R.I.P my Queen, hehe. conspirational, scandals, dark secrets, romance, promiscuosity, life once at court(palace) of England and this movie is T H E B E S T :)

 

 now, i love this story because it is complicated, mysterious, mind-challenging, genius, funny, with an engaging storyline, best line of actors and actresses of styles, and i like it most because of UK!! hehehe still can't stop my obsession for it, in fact, i am still dying to go there! (there, my little important secret got out of the bag!) it's okay, i'm sharing this one secret with you guys only yeah :)

so, sampai sini sahaja lah coretan saya buat kali ini, more upcoming movies to be watched later to help me go on with my life after the downs i'd been through.. i'll share with you guys about the downs i'd been through one day eh? dun worry! 

so much till then now, smile :)

~b.i.b.i~