One Week Holiday!

ola everyone reading :)

my first day of my holiday had just ended. sadly nothing remarkable happened. except that i rode on bike for the first time to Friday prayer. i am so going to be and live like a true villager! it's not that hard actually to ride a bike. i mean, automatic transmissions only. and it'll be more of a help if the bike size is adequate or smaller than you. you'll find it easy to go here and there, run errands in just a few minutes etc. however, tonight i can't sleep, i don't even know why is it so hard for me to fall asleep tonight. anyway, none of that matters to you, or to be told.

so my friend Jaja and Atip asked me out tomorrow, Mid Valley Megamall. Again. i know, it's kinda boring, but there are not much choices since i don't think they are the kind of people who hang out at not-shopping-mall type. so, i guess i'll just join. and karaoke. i mean like, is there any place in that mall where we can karaoke for less than rm20/hour??? of course no. so i don't think it's a good idea for me to go karaoke. i mean, hello, people like me, who lives in an only-god-knows-who-can-afford-that apartment, i have to save up wherever or whenever i can. maybe i could tell them tomorrow morning that i'll be late because of the traffic and show up after they have finished singing, i mean, karaoke-ing. i know, for some it might be easier to just don't go hangout. but i need to hangout. my holiday is up for a week only before i have to go back to college and suffer for another 5 months. so the plan is actually to seize the holiday by doing something meaningful or beautiful or something that i can reminisce about back in college later. i don't know how much will i spend tomorrow, hopefully i can manage well and hopefully financial assistant will be given (even to those who are not qualified = me = my scholar just got in last week).

so, that's for tomorrow. on Monday, my friend Dudd are coming over to KL from kelantan to spend some days here. He's planning to stay at Ilman's or maybe at Izzul's but i said to him if he don't have anywhere else to stay he is welcomed at my place. i mean, i know that my house is not that beautiful or spacious or gallant or whatever but for me it's perfect. hehe. lifting own's basket (as the malay saying goes: angkat bakul). so on Monday, we, me, Izzul, Ilman, Dudd, and may be some others will go out somewhere in the city to celebrate Ilman's Birthday! Yeay! On Tuesday, we'll go ice skating in Sunway Pyramid. hopefully everything turns out as we've planned! cross fingers! i mean, not really cross fingers, Islam never taught me to cross any fingers hehe. 

Theory Trial Session

i just finished reading a very lovely blog and suddenly the hormones kick in. the love hormone and the i-have-to-write-something hormone. nothing much that i can really relate my life with that blog's author except that she has something i always dream of. that's all.

i am now having a great time; tomorrow i am going to sit for my second paper, yesterday was the first paper, and papers for the next two following days. i know. i still write anyway. i should be sleeping right now. maybe after this. currently downloading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower to be watched before i go to exam tomorrow. yeah, that's what Einstein did before he came up with a theory or something. no kidding. i am so lazy to take the exam, sit for the papers, all i know was to end it and be back home on thursday. that's all. but sometimes the reality or awareness kicks in. i start to think what my final result would be if i continue to not read books or anything to prepare for those papers. and also what would my facial expression be when i received my results. i just sit here, i mean, lie down in my bed all day and night for the past few days prior to my exam commencement. and dined out at secret recipes, kfc, kopitiam.. something a normal student would not do few days before exams. 

alright, truth be told, i am testing it. i am testing my theory. the theory: what would it be if (1) i don't study anything for the whole two weeks before exam (2) i don't study during nights of exam (3) i watch movies and ease my stress during the exam week.

HAHA

yup, i think we all can pretty much guess the outcome. failure. of course i knew it.

this laziness syndrome started pretty much like this. i went back home from kelantan to banting for 4 days, 3 weeks prior to exam. i enjoyed everything i have there. and then i got back here in kelantan for 14 days of study week which previously i had planned to be full of studying and books and revisions before the exam. i lasted a few days here (i was having some strange stress that i think i have never experienced before) and 12 days prior to exam i went back to my hometown. again i enjoyed, amused, treated myself going to singapore, hanging out, watching movies and all the good stuffs imaginable. 5 days prior to exam (still in hometown, banting) i started to think about my exam. so i started to read on things in books that i brought home and some notes. and mind you i was very very minimal amount of reading. and 2 days prior to exam i got back here in kelantan to sit for my exam. now i am dumb.

~

i feel like not living the life i need to live but instead i am living the life i want to live. of course i don't always dream of being a doctor, i always dream of being a teacher. i don't know why either. anyway i don't think and understand that now is not the time to change the direction of my life. i mean this is what life is right? sometimes we get what we dreamed of, some other times we don't. i think life is something to be embraced not to be ran away from. so, let us all see what life might comes to me after this. and what my results be when miracles (kiramah, istidraj etc) hits me. haha. and still don't forget to always wish for the best of us. amin :)

love xoxo

I Am Dramatic

alright, here is the thing. 

3 days ago my group leader divided some assignment as part of our exam's preparation. most of the questions are about obstructive and restrictive lung diseases such as the pathophysiology of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease or complications of pneumoconiosis and many more. he asked us to pick our own question that we want to settle. so, this is what he posted on our fb group PBL 8 2012/2013 and he asked us if we have chosen our question, let him know by commenting on the post.

assignment

a)pathogenesis, pathology of COPD-puvan
b)pathophysio of COPD-1 person
c)investigation for COPD-yati
d)Principle of management of COPD(drug moa,dist,excret,side effect)-2 person
e)causes/type of respi failure-2 person
f)rationale,complication,precaution of oxy therapy-elleanur
g)factor,pathogenesis,pathology of pneumoconiosis-1 person
h)pathophysio,complication,management pneumoconiosis-1 person
i)obtain relevant history from copd patient-wong
j)relevant pe to elicit physical sign for above disorder-1 person
k)significance of blood gas analysis and lung function test-1 person

 you can see at the end of each question, there are some of my members' names, indicating that the question has been picked earlier. so i chose the one that has not been picked, question H. i commented below the post telling that i'm taking question H. so I started to look out for the answer, started reading for my own comprehension, started copy-pasting things from the internet into microsoft word. mind you, there are five major disease under pneumoconiosis. it is a lot! and then, few hours later, I finished it. before I submit my assignment, suddenly I saw someone else has submitted the assignment, about my topic! i was so furios at that time! can you imagine? that someone didn't comment on that post mentioning that he/she want to take that question and furthermore his/her name is not up there at the end of any question! I remained calm at first but after that i realised my body was aching all over for sitting to long on a goddamn hard chair. i was tired and exhausted. so i said, eff it!

 i was so mad. in fact, i am still mad because that someone took my question. i mean, hello, is he/she blind?! can he/she see that i've already picked the question?? eff it. i don't want to do anything now. i am not going to pick any other question because i am emotional, just like a kid, or just like a girl. this is madness. i'm just going to sit around. my group leader hasn't said anything about this yet, i don't know if he is blind too or he just haven't realised the problem. 

okay, not true, some part of me tell me that i should be kind, be an angel, take another question and start working on it so i can help the group. but some part of me tell me that i should just screw the thing, do nothing about it and just watch movies. 

guess which one i took?

:D xoxo :D

That I'm Thankful For The Blessing

Alright.

The problem has been going on for years. When I first arrived here, I was told by some assh* that the water come from a supplier. And we were also told that the even outside campus the rest of Kelantan receive the water supply, as rusty as ours. So last year I keep cursing this particular company and I wish that the people of this state will soon be blessed with cleaner water. Later that year, I was told and I saw with my own eyes that most of the places I went, such as my friend's house in a village nearby, and a school in Pengkalan Chepa, another school in Tumpat, they have clean water!

I mean, how come do they have such water, while we don't. A school, a secondary school in Tumpat to be exact, can have clean water supply. 

Early this year, students of this campus were told by the supplier that the water they supply are in good condition i.e. clean. In addition to that, the students high council said that the rusty water that students have these days is caused by the campus underground pipes itself are not maintained! Exactly for how many years it has not been maintained would be a good question to be sent to Jabatan Pembangunan. I think you can guess yourself if you see the color of the water. (Please don't mention the "TEA" word, it would be an offense to some!)

Anyway, earlier this year, the student high council also announced that the Jabatan is on its progress to solve the problem. They said "masih dalam perbincangan kerana kerja penukaran paip memerlukan kos dan waktu yang sesuai". In addition to that, they also said that "tahap kebersihan air adalah masih di tahap selamat". I mean, on what basis do they define "selamat", actually? By the way, who did announce that? Is the Jabatan qualified enough to testify so? Do they have the labs, even?

How much money do students have to spent on laundry shops because there is no water filter inside campus/hostel? How much time do students have to spent on doing multiple laundries? Because even if they wash their clothes in hostel, rust stained shirts have to be washed again, and maybe again. More, how much money do students have to spent on buying mineral water everyday from shops for daily needs? Water coolers in hostels are poorly maintained, rust is still present in the water, even if they boil the water, can it remove or somehow change the rust into water molecules?  Anyway, how long can students rely on outside resources? How much extra money do students get from their scholarships to compensate these problems?
How much rust can students bear into their mouth, decaying their tooth, further into the gut? Dear only God knows what happen in there. Let's just not pray the worse.

The problem started since a long time ago. Do students have someone that can hear their problems, and not just hear, but try to help fixing the problem? Oh there are actually. But only on the hearing part, not someone for the latter.

Our voices were heard, but that is it, only heard. 

So, let us speak to where our voice will be heard and be answered.

Dear Allah, we give you our hearts and souls for we are forever you servant. Lead us to be in those who Belief, guide us through good time and hard time. 

Ya Allah, help us make it through this hardship, 

help those who are working days and nights to solve our water problem, Ya Allah. 

Bless us with pure water, pour on us clean water Ya Allah.

We seek for Your forgiveness upon our sins Ya Allah. Forgive us Ya Allah. Forgive us Your Servant Ya Allah.

And Salam to Muhammad our beloved Prophet, Your Messenger, and his dearest family and friends.

Busy with Allah and Life.

Well, we all do believe that reality sucks, if not all the time maybe sometime, just sometime. And so we keep telling ourselves or keep ourselves busy just to make sure that the reality won't kick in. Life is uncertain, unexpected and that is what life is. Reality is just a part of life where the other part is imagination. At times when reality tries to invade and dictate life, man will try to put imagination in charge. however, we do not own our own body, it is just a game of mind and they control everything.

What is given to me is a life, a straight-forwarded life, a guided life lead by God (Allah) and Prophet (Muhammad) and the environment.

I always keep thinking that my life was all set-up by my father or my mother, set me up on this path which I don't even know at first. But they did guide me I think. But as i said, life is what life is. 

Though guidance was given to you all the way until you realize where you are, then those are the reality. So at that point where you stand, when reality kicks in hard and two consequences might come to your mind; reality sucks, reality is acceptable. A soul near by God (Allah) would have the latter most in their mind but a soul vice versa would have the former. So i guess we all know where I stand now, are not we?

Reality: I am now studying, or sadly I would prefer to use the word 'struggling', in this field which I haven't fully fall in love with, well perhaps yet.

Imagination: I am studying happily in the field that I have fallen in love with, without breaking sweats.

Reality: I am now living, or would prefer to use the term suffering, in Kelantan, 513 kilometers away from home.

Imagination: I am living in Kuala Lumpur, 57 kilometers away from home.

Reality: I decided to come here along with my heart wish, against my parents will against my guidance.

Imagination: I decided to stay there against my heart wish, along with my parents will along with my guidance.

Reality: I don't really have much friends. I am a wallflower.

Imagination: I have friends, true friends and I am so happy living that I don't want to die.

Reality: I cannot turn back the time.

Imagination: I can start over again.

You see, at this point I have so many arguments but I am least aware about the meaning of life given by God (Allah). Yet again, life is unpredictable. I am not so sure of my future in this path yet I contemplate everything. At time such this all I need to find is God (Allah). May I found Him and let He guide me through not just at this time but until eternity.

Kenang Ku Dalam Doa Mu

Wa Qala Rabbukum Ud'uni Astajib Lakum

Dan telah berkata Tuhan Kamu, Berdoalah Kepada Ku, Nescaya akan Aku kabulkan.

Ya Allah, dengarlah rayuan hambaMu ini. Wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Penyayang lagi Maha Mengasihani.

Ya Allah, 

Izinkanlah aku menerima anugerah mu Ya Allah. Kurniakan lah aku anugerahMu Ya Allah. Hadiahkan lah aku rahmatMu Ya Allah. Hamba yang kerdil dan berdosa ini memohon anugerahMu Ya Allah. Anugerah air yang bersih Ya Allah. Air yang jernih Ya Allah. Air yang tiada karat dan besi di dalamnya Ya Allah. Jauhkan lah pula air Mu itu daripada segala kuman dan makhluk Mu yang memudaratkan kepada sekalian manusia Ya Allah. Jikalau anugerah Mu itu ada jauh dariku, maka Kau dekatkanlah Ya Allah. Dan Jikalau anugerah Mu itu hampir denganku, maka Kau sampaikanlah Ya Allah. 

Tuhan Ku Yang Maha Pengampun dan Maha Pemurah,

Aku mohon kepada Mu segala kekuatan untuk mengharungi dugaan Mu ini Ya Allah. Hanyalah kepadaMu aku menyembah, dan hanyalah kepadaMu aku mohon Pertolongan, Ya Allah.

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Dengan Menyebut Nama Mu Ya Allah Yang Maha Pengasih, Penyayang

Segala Puji Bagi Mu Ya Allah Pemelihara Seluruh Alam Raya

Engkaulah Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang

Yang Menguasai Hari Pembalasan

Hanyalah Kepada Mu Kami Menyembah Dan Pada Mu Kami Mohon Pertolongan

Tunjukkanlah Kami Ke Jalan Yang Lurus

Jalan Orang-Orang Yang Engkau Beri Nikmat Bukan Jalan Mereka Yang Kau Murkai

Dan Bukan Pula Jalan Mereka Yang Sesat

Everywhere I Am, There You'll Be

whenever i feel like writing, i write.

and please, don't be a grammar nazi. it's killing me.

can i consider myself as crazy unstable dramatic person. i watch too many movies and get hung over the movies, feeling and imagining that somehow my  life could be like it. i always wish my life to get better. particularly on the part where i always feel lonely. so that loneliness is what drives me to think irrationally, i think. i don't know if there's any other thing that makes me crazy. i feel good when i watch movies, dramas etc but i always feel uncomfortable around people. awkwardness here and there. i cannot be myself at times. and become a total retard on that account. so for that, then, i always wish for a company. a loyal loving company. whom i will not judge by the look, just enough by the heart and neither the company will. 

i do have friends, you see. but then, sometimes even with friends, i can feel awkwardness creeping inside my mind retarding the way i communicate. it would be so unnatural. so not me. 

for some, they may say, "you know, if you don't find people, find God". i agree with that.

and i tried and still trying, you know, to be a better person, who always remember God and remember the day that i will die. but i don't know now, at some point, i just need support from a living person to teach me the way to God. i just need to feel more affection i may say. sorry if i speak out of term here. alright, just a short note from me this time. quite busy nowadays. wishing that God will protect that someone and guide us to the place called Jannah. 

Pray for Gaza, and Aizat, both at war fighting for their future.

Teacher That Never Touches A Heart

Assalamualaikum 

i have never been touched like this before,

i mean, not in this way,

alright, before this, 

i never understands what my students were doing back home;

when they didn't finish their homework,

when they can't answer my question;

when they can't pass the exam.

 i expressed that wonder to them.

all i know was that they are underprivileged,

born with no silver spoon,

living hardly everyday,

that their parents are working hard everyday to find them money to go to school,

that maybe their parents had no time to look after the children's study,

and i always tell them to study for the sake of their future,

i told them when they got home,

they got to do revisions on subjects,

i told them that don't need any distraction at school as their main purpose is to study.

study diligently so that their future can be guaranteed;

as their parents had no money sufficient enough to send them to private universities,

they need to ensure themselves that their future are bright enough for them to continue life.

but the most actual fact that i never had the chance to know before this was,

that their life are not as easy as i thought.

if before this, i only know that at home, they need not to think about anything else accept studying,

i was wrong!

they need to think about their study AND their family's survival! 

they have to think ways to help their parents out,

they have to ease the burden of their parents,

so they work!

they do any jobs available for them.

anything that can keep their rice cooker filled in.

and this thing happens right in front of my eyes

i met three of my students at bazaar this evening 

and they are selling drinks!
no that's not their stall, a pakcik owns it.

i was shocked to see them but i just remained cool in front of them

and bought 'air chrysanthemum' from their stall while my heart 

was pounding and screaming and crying hard!

 back in the car i almost fell into tears.

no i am not being dramatic.

now i understand

now i am touched

now i realize.

they are not the same like me.

i grew up in a boarding school, i live in hostel and i don't have to think

about anything else except study.

they grew up in a daily school, and they see their parents' hardship everyday

and they need to think about many other things besides study.

they are many other differences that exist between 

my life back then and their life now.

at first i never understand them.

i never tried to understand them.

now i am saying my apologies to them

for so many reasons.

God bless you, me and my students.

A Different Side of Me

assalamualaikum :)

bulan puasa bulan baik.

so i pun nk jadi org baik.

god bless us.

mlm semalam i termimpi benda yg tak berapa baik.

tapi x baik kalau kite fikir sgt pasal mimpi kn?

tapi, yg lg pelik mimpi tu dtg dlm bulan x de shitan.

anyway,

smlm jugak ad berita gembira 

my friend texted me:

"I**y S***k tanye pasal youuuu!"

and i was like so happy!

i jumped here and there! 

okay, no more details, bahaye.

so tonight i having a dilemma.

dilemma choosing between anatomy or physiology.

sounds mcm budak poyo sgt kn?

tp nk bwt mcm mne.

i'm going into a med school this september 

and i dont want to be like the dumbest there.

furthermore, i have nothing else to do,

hang out? i'm broke.

work? too late now.

so ddk kat rumah boring 

better for me to open those notes

i received from usm seniors.

last one,

pegi surau best sbb di samping beribadah,

boleh cuci mata!

org kate

"kalau nk carik jodoh carik kat masjid"

and i'm happy to do that :)

Reminiscence

hyeee :)

just got back from tarawih.

one thing that i remembered time tunggu masuk waktu isyak tadi,

ternampak lah budak-budak kecil lari ke sana ke mari.

maka teringatlah waktu adik-adik dulu, bermain dengan riang,

kesana ke mari berlari-lari tanpa mengisahkan ape org-org lain kata, sebab budak kecil kan?

sape kisah. best nye feeling rase budak kecil.

sekarang rase nak semua benda dgn bebas tapi dah x boleh dah,

kene fikir nanti ape pulak org laen kate. 

"dah besar-besar pun buat bende mcm budak-budak"

"ee, berape umur die? x sedar diri betul"

so basically, all those time dah lepas dah. x boleh ulang balik.

i have to get over it. huhh