Of Sound And Music

More or less the topic is about what you see and what you dont.
This is my first time blogging since I've started to post in MPP. So many things have happened in my life since the pelantikan. So many feelings mixture I've been true. And please be reminded that by that I do not mean to be proud or brag about it. Oh I just negatively overthink about my readers didn'nt I?
Anyway, I've received some motivations from my friends lately. One from Nina, one from Suffia, one from Abg and one from my predecessor (haha) former MPP Chai. There are all concern about me and I love them more because of that.
The other day I had a talk with Chai and one of the things that I can remember from the conversation is that I have to write down everything that I experienced or felt or whatever straight away after interesting things happened. So now, people, let me warn you that I will blog everything. Haha.
And the other thing that I remember is that now is a good practice for me to be a good leader. Consider whatever happens at this period to be my exercise and test to a better future. Tho not exactly like that what he said, but thats how I perceived it. Not bad for a motivation right?
And Nina reminded me to let no people bring me down. I will. I will stay put Nina. I don't even know how did she knew that I'm quite down at that time. Suddenly one day she texted me a motivational quote and I was touched. Thank you Nina :) yeah, to think about it, just recently some people did let me down. How come can you tell me that I didn't propose any follow up when my resources to do that is the meeting minute, the one you should provide? But right now I refuse to elaborate more on that particular story. One because I have more stories actually that I can write down about people downing me so it will consume my time. Two because if write them down, there is a probability that I'll feel down. So I stop here for that now.
And Suffia has always been a good girl. She understands me tho sometimes, many times i forgot to text her. Thank you so much :')
And Abg is this one person where actually you can count to comfort you. He lives far from me au currant. I'm sure if he'a here I'll make his life a mess. Haha. With my complaints and silly things I always worry about. How I wish you are/were (grammar) here.

That's all for now. I love you all. Bye ;)

Be prepared!

Hello hi assalamualaikum. So these last few days i have been in a certain stupid dilemma about being in a post. People said that this post is an important post in a campus. Some people try to support me but not for the other some. Now i dont know which one is the truth. In fact nobody knows the truth because the truth is a future which we dont know yet until it happens. Of course we can predict things but who knows our prediction might or might not come true. My academic will be at risk. My job and my students welfare cant be done well as i have to focus on my study. So it will burden others. All the comments circulate around these 3 points. Although i have rebuttals for all of these 3 points but still i cannot say them out loud because like i said they may or may not come true. Who knows except Allah. So now, im praying to you Allah. That you shed me your light in my heart towards the path that i've decided to go on. And let there be success and only success in the future for me, my friends and my campus O Allah.

I used to be fat

Not literally fat. Now I'm sitting outside library, hanging around, waiting for my friend for lunch. And suddenly remembered my childhood years, when I was very very little.
I don't know why I used to cry everyday when my dad was about to leave our house for work. I used to cry badly, loudly and maybe annoyingly (my mum must really hated my cries at that time) each and every time he goes out to work. Maybe it's because that my dad workplace was so far away in Pahang and he usually took 2-3 days as the nature of his job as a teamwork consultant consumes days of camp training.
Before our family moved to our new house in the 'countryside', I used to have a neighbour, of an uncle, aunty, a daughter and a very little son. Now, the same thing happened to me when I was at that age, I saw it in front of my own eyes. The little boy cries everytime his father goes out probably for work. So I thought, maybe this thing happens to many other children in this world, maybe from other parts of the world, other continents etc.
This occurrence made me think, why do children cry when their father, or probably, mother too, leave them? And why don't we, or the children continue to cry even as they grow up?
Now that is certainly something to think about. But we all know that the baseline or the bottom rock of the thoughts or the arguments will circle about loving our family :D
XoXo
P/s: I'll be happy to read back your thoughts <3

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They Don't Like My Jeans, They Don't Get My Hair!

Hye everyone! I mean, anyone!

I always would like to post song lyrics just to tell you how I'm feeling at the moment. I am going to share with you what happened to me last year (first year undergraduate).

"I just made some stupid actions in front of the whole lecture. malunya!!!! only God knows how I feel now. Here's what happened. I arrived late to lecture this morning, which is a very usual thing for me everyday, and so I sat in the back row. After a few minutes Dr Asma came into the lecture hall thru the back door and sat next to me. Dr Masa's voice was so slow and soft at that time and suddenly Dr Asma asked me to turn up the volume of the speaker. Mind you that the volume control is located exactly in front of the talking lecture, in front of the whole class. So as to obey my teacher(lecturer), I walked down the stairs towards the controller. I can hear my footsteps as I descend the stairs after I realized that all eyes in the hall were rested on me. I mean, seriously, SHOE, can you produce louder sound effect? I hate you shoe! So I tried to walk down the stairs more discreet and quietly and that involved me walking retardly down like someone who lost a toenail walking on fire! I was like, why am I walking like this? Can you imagine, me walking down the stairs from the back row, retardly, to the front?! It took me like 2 minutes I think to reach the controller! 2 minutes of retard walking! Duhh I laughed at myself for my greatest self-humiliation act ever! 

I mean, it's my first year! I am supposed to make friends and now I think no one wants to befriend with an awkward weirdo like me. Huh, anyway, so I walked towards the speaker volume control which is nearby Dr masa, who was giving lecture at that time, I smiled at him a little and tried to whisper "Dr Asma asked me to turn up the volume" while he was delivering. I turned up the volume but it is already at its highest! So I just pretended to turn it up so that other people would know my intention. As I turned back I realized everybody was laughing! In a not-so-discreet manner kind of laugh and I was so blur at first about what they were laughing about. So i climbed up the high, long stairs back to my seat and on the way climbing, I realized that I just did something stupid. I did turn up the volume of the speaker but actually the lecturer's voice was the faulty! I was like a moron freak who don't know how to tell the lecturer to speak louder so that people can hear him from the back. I just turned up the volume like I was trying to be sarcastic. As if I was trying to make a joke. Silly me, how can stupid can you be at such time! Uhh! Now the Dr must really hate me for insulting him and at that moment I knew I have a potential to fail anatomy. Anyway, I can still hear people's small laughs so I tried to control my urge to LOL and gave them the I'm-not-guilty awkward smile. Another weird act of the day by me! Great! My future seemed 'brighter'. Stupid humiliating actions that I won't do again. God help me thru this.."

This is quite the thing that I wrote in my diary last year. More or less.

But the thing is, people may interpret things that you do, they may say something, compliment or critic, but only you and your God knows your pure intention. I mean, I didn't mean to insult anyone, but people laughed as if I was insulting. Or maybe they laughed by the way I retard-walk! Anyway, critics are everywhere, watching you dress, gossiping your life story, but only you should decide who you are. Take or not take the critics because there are thin lines separating critics from advice. Just something to think about. Have a beautiful life! 

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One Week Holiday!

ola everyone reading :)

my first day of my holiday had just ended. sadly nothing remarkable happened. except that i rode on bike for the first time to Friday prayer. i am so going to be and live like a true villager! it's not that hard actually to ride a bike. i mean, automatic transmissions only. and it'll be more of a help if the bike size is adequate or smaller than you. you'll find it easy to go here and there, run errands in just a few minutes etc. however, tonight i can't sleep, i don't even know why is it so hard for me to fall asleep tonight. anyway, none of that matters to you, or to be told.

so my friend Jaja and Atip asked me out tomorrow, Mid Valley Megamall. Again. i know, it's kinda boring, but there are not much choices since i don't think they are the kind of people who hang out at not-shopping-mall type. so, i guess i'll just join. and karaoke. i mean like, is there any place in that mall where we can karaoke for less than rm20/hour??? of course no. so i don't think it's a good idea for me to go karaoke. i mean, hello, people like me, who lives in an only-god-knows-who-can-afford-that apartment, i have to save up wherever or whenever i can. maybe i could tell them tomorrow morning that i'll be late because of the traffic and show up after they have finished singing, i mean, karaoke-ing. i know, for some it might be easier to just don't go hangout. but i need to hangout. my holiday is up for a week only before i have to go back to college and suffer for another 5 months. so the plan is actually to seize the holiday by doing something meaningful or beautiful or something that i can reminisce about back in college later. i don't know how much will i spend tomorrow, hopefully i can manage well and hopefully financial assistant will be given (even to those who are not qualified = me = my scholar just got in last week).

so, that's for tomorrow. on Monday, my friend Dudd are coming over to KL from kelantan to spend some days here. He's planning to stay at Ilman's or maybe at Izzul's but i said to him if he don't have anywhere else to stay he is welcomed at my place. i mean, i know that my house is not that beautiful or spacious or gallant or whatever but for me it's perfect. hehe. lifting own's basket (as the malay saying goes: angkat bakul). so on Monday, we, me, Izzul, Ilman, Dudd, and may be some others will go out somewhere in the city to celebrate Ilman's Birthday! Yeay! On Tuesday, we'll go ice skating in Sunway Pyramid. hopefully everything turns out as we've planned! cross fingers! i mean, not really cross fingers, Islam never taught me to cross any fingers hehe. 

Theory Trial Session

i just finished reading a very lovely blog and suddenly the hormones kick in. the love hormone and the i-have-to-write-something hormone. nothing much that i can really relate my life with that blog's author except that she has something i always dream of. that's all.

i am now having a great time; tomorrow i am going to sit for my second paper, yesterday was the first paper, and papers for the next two following days. i know. i still write anyway. i should be sleeping right now. maybe after this. currently downloading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower to be watched before i go to exam tomorrow. yeah, that's what Einstein did before he came up with a theory or something. no kidding. i am so lazy to take the exam, sit for the papers, all i know was to end it and be back home on thursday. that's all. but sometimes the reality or awareness kicks in. i start to think what my final result would be if i continue to not read books or anything to prepare for those papers. and also what would my facial expression be when i received my results. i just sit here, i mean, lie down in my bed all day and night for the past few days prior to my exam commencement. and dined out at secret recipes, kfc, kopitiam.. something a normal student would not do few days before exams. 

alright, truth be told, i am testing it. i am testing my theory. the theory: what would it be if (1) i don't study anything for the whole two weeks before exam (2) i don't study during nights of exam (3) i watch movies and ease my stress during the exam week.

HAHA

yup, i think we all can pretty much guess the outcome. failure. of course i knew it.

this laziness syndrome started pretty much like this. i went back home from kelantan to banting for 4 days, 3 weeks prior to exam. i enjoyed everything i have there. and then i got back here in kelantan for 14 days of study week which previously i had planned to be full of studying and books and revisions before the exam. i lasted a few days here (i was having some strange stress that i think i have never experienced before) and 12 days prior to exam i went back to my hometown. again i enjoyed, amused, treated myself going to singapore, hanging out, watching movies and all the good stuffs imaginable. 5 days prior to exam (still in hometown, banting) i started to think about my exam. so i started to read on things in books that i brought home and some notes. and mind you i was very very minimal amount of reading. and 2 days prior to exam i got back here in kelantan to sit for my exam. now i am dumb.

~

i feel like not living the life i need to live but instead i am living the life i want to live. of course i don't always dream of being a doctor, i always dream of being a teacher. i don't know why either. anyway i don't think and understand that now is not the time to change the direction of my life. i mean this is what life is right? sometimes we get what we dreamed of, some other times we don't. i think life is something to be embraced not to be ran away from. so, let us all see what life might comes to me after this. and what my results be when miracles (kiramah, istidraj etc) hits me. haha. and still don't forget to always wish for the best of us. amin :)

love xoxo

I Am Dramatic

alright, here is the thing. 

3 days ago my group leader divided some assignment as part of our exam's preparation. most of the questions are about obstructive and restrictive lung diseases such as the pathophysiology of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease or complications of pneumoconiosis and many more. he asked us to pick our own question that we want to settle. so, this is what he posted on our fb group PBL 8 2012/2013 and he asked us if we have chosen our question, let him know by commenting on the post.

assignment

a)pathogenesis, pathology of COPD-puvan
b)pathophysio of COPD-1 person
c)investigation for COPD-yati
d)Principle of management of COPD(drug moa,dist,excret,side effect)-2 person
e)causes/type of respi failure-2 person
f)rationale,complication,precaution of oxy therapy-elleanur
g)factor,pathogenesis,pathology of pneumoconiosis-1 person
h)pathophysio,complication,management pneumoconiosis-1 person
i)obtain relevant history from copd patient-wong
j)relevant pe to elicit physical sign for above disorder-1 person
k)significance of blood gas analysis and lung function test-1 person

 you can see at the end of each question, there are some of my members' names, indicating that the question has been picked earlier. so i chose the one that has not been picked, question H. i commented below the post telling that i'm taking question H. so I started to look out for the answer, started reading for my own comprehension, started copy-pasting things from the internet into microsoft word. mind you, there are five major disease under pneumoconiosis. it is a lot! and then, few hours later, I finished it. before I submit my assignment, suddenly I saw someone else has submitted the assignment, about my topic! i was so furios at that time! can you imagine? that someone didn't comment on that post mentioning that he/she want to take that question and furthermore his/her name is not up there at the end of any question! I remained calm at first but after that i realised my body was aching all over for sitting to long on a goddamn hard chair. i was tired and exhausted. so i said, eff it!

 i was so mad. in fact, i am still mad because that someone took my question. i mean, hello, is he/she blind?! can he/she see that i've already picked the question?? eff it. i don't want to do anything now. i am not going to pick any other question because i am emotional, just like a kid, or just like a girl. this is madness. i'm just going to sit around. my group leader hasn't said anything about this yet, i don't know if he is blind too or he just haven't realised the problem. 

okay, not true, some part of me tell me that i should be kind, be an angel, take another question and start working on it so i can help the group. but some part of me tell me that i should just screw the thing, do nothing about it and just watch movies. 

guess which one i took?

:D xoxo :D

That I'm Thankful For The Blessing

Alright.

The problem has been going on for years. When I first arrived here, I was told by some assh* that the water come from a supplier. And we were also told that the even outside campus the rest of Kelantan receive the water supply, as rusty as ours. So last year I keep cursing this particular company and I wish that the people of this state will soon be blessed with cleaner water. Later that year, I was told and I saw with my own eyes that most of the places I went, such as my friend's house in a village nearby, and a school in Pengkalan Chepa, another school in Tumpat, they have clean water!

I mean, how come do they have such water, while we don't. A school, a secondary school in Tumpat to be exact, can have clean water supply. 

Early this year, students of this campus were told by the supplier that the water they supply are in good condition i.e. clean. In addition to that, the students high council said that the rusty water that students have these days is caused by the campus underground pipes itself are not maintained! Exactly for how many years it has not been maintained would be a good question to be sent to Jabatan Pembangunan. I think you can guess yourself if you see the color of the water. (Please don't mention the "TEA" word, it would be an offense to some!)

Anyway, earlier this year, the student high council also announced that the Jabatan is on its progress to solve the problem. They said "masih dalam perbincangan kerana kerja penukaran paip memerlukan kos dan waktu yang sesuai". In addition to that, they also said that "tahap kebersihan air adalah masih di tahap selamat". I mean, on what basis do they define "selamat", actually? By the way, who did announce that? Is the Jabatan qualified enough to testify so? Do they have the labs, even?

How much money do students have to spent on laundry shops because there is no water filter inside campus/hostel? How much time do students have to spent on doing multiple laundries? Because even if they wash their clothes in hostel, rust stained shirts have to be washed again, and maybe again. More, how much money do students have to spent on buying mineral water everyday from shops for daily needs? Water coolers in hostels are poorly maintained, rust is still present in the water, even if they boil the water, can it remove or somehow change the rust into water molecules?  Anyway, how long can students rely on outside resources? How much extra money do students get from their scholarships to compensate these problems?
How much rust can students bear into their mouth, decaying their tooth, further into the gut? Dear only God knows what happen in there. Let's just not pray the worse.

The problem started since a long time ago. Do students have someone that can hear their problems, and not just hear, but try to help fixing the problem? Oh there are actually. But only on the hearing part, not someone for the latter.

Our voices were heard, but that is it, only heard. 

So, let us speak to where our voice will be heard and be answered.

Dear Allah, we give you our hearts and souls for we are forever you servant. Lead us to be in those who Belief, guide us through good time and hard time. 

Ya Allah, help us make it through this hardship, 

help those who are working days and nights to solve our water problem, Ya Allah. 

Bless us with pure water, pour on us clean water Ya Allah.

We seek for Your forgiveness upon our sins Ya Allah. Forgive us Ya Allah. Forgive us Your Servant Ya Allah.

And Salam to Muhammad our beloved Prophet, Your Messenger, and his dearest family and friends.

Busy with Allah and Life.

Well, we all do believe that reality sucks, if not all the time maybe sometime, just sometime. And so we keep telling ourselves or keep ourselves busy just to make sure that the reality won't kick in. Life is uncertain, unexpected and that is what life is. Reality is just a part of life where the other part is imagination. At times when reality tries to invade and dictate life, man will try to put imagination in charge. however, we do not own our own body, it is just a game of mind and they control everything.

What is given to me is a life, a straight-forwarded life, a guided life lead by God (Allah) and Prophet (Muhammad) and the environment.

I always keep thinking that my life was all set-up by my father or my mother, set me up on this path which I don't even know at first. But they did guide me I think. But as i said, life is what life is. 

Though guidance was given to you all the way until you realize where you are, then those are the reality. So at that point where you stand, when reality kicks in hard and two consequences might come to your mind; reality sucks, reality is acceptable. A soul near by God (Allah) would have the latter most in their mind but a soul vice versa would have the former. So i guess we all know where I stand now, are not we?

Reality: I am now studying, or sadly I would prefer to use the word 'struggling', in this field which I haven't fully fall in love with, well perhaps yet.

Imagination: I am studying happily in the field that I have fallen in love with, without breaking sweats.

Reality: I am now living, or would prefer to use the term suffering, in Kelantan, 513 kilometers away from home.

Imagination: I am living in Kuala Lumpur, 57 kilometers away from home.

Reality: I decided to come here along with my heart wish, against my parents will against my guidance.

Imagination: I decided to stay there against my heart wish, along with my parents will along with my guidance.

Reality: I don't really have much friends. I am a wallflower.

Imagination: I have friends, true friends and I am so happy living that I don't want to die.

Reality: I cannot turn back the time.

Imagination: I can start over again.

You see, at this point I have so many arguments but I am least aware about the meaning of life given by God (Allah). Yet again, life is unpredictable. I am not so sure of my future in this path yet I contemplate everything. At time such this all I need to find is God (Allah). May I found Him and let He guide me through not just at this time but until eternity.

Kenang Ku Dalam Doa Mu

Wa Qala Rabbukum Ud'uni Astajib Lakum

Dan telah berkata Tuhan Kamu, Berdoalah Kepada Ku, Nescaya akan Aku kabulkan.

Ya Allah, dengarlah rayuan hambaMu ini. Wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Penyayang lagi Maha Mengasihani.

Ya Allah, 

Izinkanlah aku menerima anugerah mu Ya Allah. Kurniakan lah aku anugerahMu Ya Allah. Hadiahkan lah aku rahmatMu Ya Allah. Hamba yang kerdil dan berdosa ini memohon anugerahMu Ya Allah. Anugerah air yang bersih Ya Allah. Air yang jernih Ya Allah. Air yang tiada karat dan besi di dalamnya Ya Allah. Jauhkan lah pula air Mu itu daripada segala kuman dan makhluk Mu yang memudaratkan kepada sekalian manusia Ya Allah. Jikalau anugerah Mu itu ada jauh dariku, maka Kau dekatkanlah Ya Allah. Dan Jikalau anugerah Mu itu hampir denganku, maka Kau sampaikanlah Ya Allah. 

Tuhan Ku Yang Maha Pengampun dan Maha Pemurah,

Aku mohon kepada Mu segala kekuatan untuk mengharungi dugaan Mu ini Ya Allah. Hanyalah kepadaMu aku menyembah, dan hanyalah kepadaMu aku mohon Pertolongan, Ya Allah.

Amin Ya Rabbal Alamin.

Dengan Menyebut Nama Mu Ya Allah Yang Maha Pengasih, Penyayang

Segala Puji Bagi Mu Ya Allah Pemelihara Seluruh Alam Raya

Engkaulah Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang

Yang Menguasai Hari Pembalasan

Hanyalah Kepada Mu Kami Menyembah Dan Pada Mu Kami Mohon Pertolongan

Tunjukkanlah Kami Ke Jalan Yang Lurus

Jalan Orang-Orang Yang Engkau Beri Nikmat Bukan Jalan Mereka Yang Kau Murkai

Dan Bukan Pula Jalan Mereka Yang Sesat